What should King Joe do with his new power from the Supreme Court?

No one seems to be worried that President Joe Biden will jump on the Supreme Court’s ruling on presidential immunity to call out SEALTeam Six to do some housekeeping. Or to introduce the six conservative members of the court to their new offices at McMurdo Station in Antarctica. Or, frankly, to do any of the things that Donald Trump seems to dream about every day. That’s because Biden is a fundamentally decent person. He doesn’t need a court to keep him from stealing from charity, scamming people out of their life savings in the name of education, or laundering money for Russian mobsters. Somehow, even without the promise that he would never face prosecution, Biden has made it through over three years as president without once calling on the military to shoot people in the streets or trying to blackmail a foreign government into helping with the election. The Supreme Court didn’t give the presidency any new powers. It only shielded the president from being prosecuted for almost anything that could be construed as related to their official duties. On the other hand, if that freedom from prosecution extends to assassinating your opponents, and you control the most powerful government on the planet, then what isn’t possible? Here are a few suggestions for Biden. Please add to the list. Nationalize Trump golf courses, turn them into national parks, and offer free access to all Americans. Skip that $300,000 membership fee and come on in. It’s not like Trump didn’t already put “national” right there in the name of most of his courses. Speaking of which, renaming all the courses seems like a good idea. The E. Jean Carroll National Golf Park seems like a good place to start. Requisition Trump hotels to provide housing for the homeless. Now that the court has ruled it’s illegal to sleep while poor, a lot more shelter space is needed. Conveniently, there are already Trump towers sitting in several locations where they could be put to use, including Las Vegas, Chicago, and New York. Special floors should be set aside in case Texas Gov. Greg Abbott or Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis send any immigrants to town. Cap CEO salaries at 10x the lowest employee, and make Elon Musk distribute his $50 billion bonus to his workers. Corporate executives make ridiculous amounts of money, corporate workers don’t. Let corporations settle that either way they want, by cutting the salary of the person at the top of the pyramid or raising the salaries at the base. And no funny it’s-not-a-salary-it’s-a-bonus malarkey. King Joe is not amused. Take Clarence Thomas’ RV and ban him from Walmart parking lots. Most of these suggestions are designed to do some active good while also providing a soupcon of justice. This one is all justice. A guy who has taken $4,000,000 in bribes can afford to shell out for his own transport. And for God’s sake, Clarence, spring for the $20 to rent a spot at the nearest state park and stop lurking at the edge of the parking lot like a giant murder van. Trains, trains, trains. How many miles of train track can be laid between now and the end of the year? King Joe has at least four more years to make the map of passenger rail in the United States look more like Europe and Asia. And when you have the whole Army to clear the way and level the ground, things can go much more quickly. Immediate citizenship to anyone who tags a Republican senator. Want to jump the lines at immigration and avoid those endless hearings? Chase down Ted Cruz and put a big slap on his back. Bonus points if you tag Josh Hawley. He runs fast. Replace Fox News with actual foxes. Foxes hunting. Tiny fox kits being cute. Arctic foxes bouncing through the snow and desert foxes prowling across the dunes. It would not only be much more interesting, but the national IQ would immediately rebound. Put a shark-filled moat around the White House. How do you make sure that Trump never comes near the Oval Office? Surround it with the most fearsome predator this side of a wet battery. Turn Mar-a-Lago into the new Ellis Island, welcoming immigrants into the nation with daily flights from the border on the former Trump jet. Also, immigrants get to enjoy the endless shrimp bar. Don’t forget to add your own suggestions! RELATED STORIES: Biden draws sharp contrast with Trump after Supreme Court immunity ruling Thanks to Supreme Court, nation's future now hinges on candidates' morality GOP celebrates immunity ruling—so long as it doesn’t apply to Biden Campaign Action

Jul 4, 2024 - 03:00

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What should King Joe do with his new power from the Supreme Court?

No one seems to be worried that President Joe Biden will jump on the Supreme Court’s ruling on presidential immunity to call out SEALTeam Six to do some housekeeping. Or to introduce the six conservative members of the court to their new offices at McMurdo Station in Antarctica. Or, frankly, to do any of the things that Donald Trump seems to dream about every day.

That’s because Biden is a fundamentally decent person. He doesn’t need a court to keep him from stealing from charity, scamming people out of their life savings in the name of education, or laundering money for Russian mobsters. Somehow, even without the promise that he would never face prosecution, Biden has made it through over three years as president without once calling on the military to shoot people in the streets or trying to blackmail a foreign government into helping with the election.

The Supreme Court didn’t give the presidency any new powers. It only shielded the president from being prosecuted for almost anything that could be construed as related to their official duties. On the other hand, if that freedom from prosecution extends to assassinating your opponents, and you control the most powerful government on the planet, then what isn’t possible?

Here are a few suggestions for Biden. Please add to the list.

Nationalize Trump golf courses, turn them into national parks, and offer free access to all Americans. Skip that $300,000 membership fee and come on in. It’s not like Trump didn’t already put “national” right there in the name of most of his courses. Speaking of which, renaming all the courses seems like a good idea. The E. Jean Carroll National Golf Park seems like a good place to start.
Requisition Trump hotels to provide housing for the homeless. Now that the court has ruled it’s illegal to sleep while poor, a lot more shelter space is needed. Conveniently, there are already Trump towers sitting in several locations where they could be put to use, including Las Vegas, Chicago, and New York. Special floors should be set aside in case Texas Gov. Greg Abbott or Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis send any immigrants to town.
Cap CEO salaries at 10x the lowest employee, and make Elon Musk distribute his $50 billion bonus to his workers. Corporate executives make ridiculous amounts of money, corporate workers don’t. Let corporations settle that either way they want, by cutting the salary of the person at the top of the pyramid or raising the salaries at the base. And no funny it’s-not-a-salary-it’s-a-bonus malarkey. King Joe is not amused.
Take Clarence Thomas’ RV and ban him from Walmart parking lots. Most of these suggestions are designed to do some active good while also providing a soupcon of justice. This one is all justice. A guy who has taken $4,000,000 in bribes can afford to shell out for his own transport. And for God’s sake, Clarence, spring for the $20 to rent a spot at the nearest state park and stop lurking at the edge of the parking lot like a giant murder van.
Trains, trains, trains. How many miles of train track can be laid between now and the end of the year? King Joe has at least four more years to make the map of passenger rail in the United States look more like Europe and Asia. And when you have the whole Army to clear the way and level the ground, things can go much more quickly.
Immediate citizenship to anyone who tags a Republican senator. Want to jump the lines at immigration and avoid those endless hearings? Chase down Ted Cruz and put a big slap on his back. Bonus points if you tag Josh Hawley. He runs fast.
Replace Fox News with actual foxes. Foxes hunting. Tiny fox kits being cute. Arctic foxes bouncing through the snow and desert foxes prowling across the dunes. It would not only be much more interesting, but the national IQ would immediately rebound.
Put a shark-filled moat around the White House. How do you make sure that Trump never comes near the Oval Office? Surround it with the most fearsome predator this side of a wet battery.
Turn Mar-a-Lago into the new Ellis Island, welcoming immigrants into the nation with daily flights from the border on the former Trump jet. Also, immigrants get to enjoy the endless shrimp bar.