Donald Trump's desperation is showing—more than usual

As the ides of April approach, Donald Trump faces a heap of trouble—of his own making, naturally—that has him flopping about like a stunned carp on the bottom of a rowboat. And, frankly, he’s looking pretty desperate. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty desperate.

There’s more video of Trump bragging about overturning Roe v. Wade than of Melania slapping his wee, scurvy hand away, so he can’t really run away from the issue. But he sure is trying. And as dense as Donald is, he surely knows he’s royally fucked himself.

Earlier this week, he apparently thought that by invoking states’ rights—a concept that holds a natural appeal for Republicans thanks to their enthusiastic support of veiled racism—he could wriggle out from the trap he’s in. But it looks like he ended up chewing off his own leg instead. So he’s desperately talking about anything else, using his flailing and failing Truth Social grift side hustle to support his main mission: becoming president again so he can stay out of prison.

Unfortunately for him—and fortunately for sentient beings everywhere—he’s fucking that up, too.

In a series of increasingly strange, offensive, and pathetic videos posted in a span of less than an hour on Thursday, Trump jumped from one topic that wasn’t abortion to another topic that wasn’t abortion so fast, it became painfully clear that he was um ... trying very hard to shift the conversation away from abortion.

He even resorted to frantically exhorting Democrats—who listen to exactly nothing he says—to vote for Robert F. Kennedy Jr. 

In the bizarre and dazzlingly desperate video clearly responding to stories about RFK Jr.’s potential to siphon away MAGA votes, Trump tries to inveigle progressives into casting their vote for America’s newest Least Favorite Kennedy. He does this by insulting the independent presidential candidate before almost immediately taking it back. I understand if you don’t watch it: In the past, when I wanted to bleed from my eyeballs, I’d just spend the rest of the weekend playing air hockey with an Ebola monkey.

So there is a transcription, but don’t be surprised if upon reading it, you decide seeing is believing. It’s that incoherent.

TRUMP: RFK Jr. is, as you know, the most radical left candidate in the race. He’s more so than the Green Party, he’s more so than even Crooked Joe Biden. But he’s got some nice things about him. I happen to like him. Unfortunately, he is about the Green New Scam because he believes in that, and a lot of people don’t. They want to see our country become rich and wealthy and strong and powerful and lots of other things and not waste money doing something that nobody wants and everybody knows doesn’t work.

I guess that would mean that RFK Jr. is going to be taking away votes from Crooked Joe Biden, and he should because he’s actually better than Biden. He’s much better than Biden. If I were a Democrat I’d vote for RFK Jr. every single time over Biden, because he’s frankly more in line with Democrats.

RFK Jr.’s running mate Nicole Shanahan is also a very liberal person. But that’s okay, she’s got plenty of money from her ex-husband. Kennedy is a radical left Democrat and always will be, but he’s a better man than Joe Biden, that I can tell you. It’s great for MAGA, I hope he continues to run, but the communists will make it very hard on him to get on the ballot, as they did for him as a Democrat. He wanted to get on the ballot. They made it very, very difficult for him. They really went after him viciously, just like they go after me. Welcome to the crowd, RFK Jr.

But the fact is that the Democrats are vicious, communist fascists, they’re horrible people. They really hurt him badly, what they did to him as a Democrat, that’s why he’s running as an independent, but expect him to be indicted any day now, probably for environmental fraud. He is Crooked Joe Biden’s political opponent, not mine. Biden can’t speak, Biden can’t debate, Biden can't put two sentences together, so I guess he’s probably going to indict RFK Jr. But I’m glad that he’s running, they will fight it out together.

We have the right, and we have the center, and we have even center, a little bit left, if you can believe it or not, because that group is radical left. They want windmills, they want all sorts of things that are gonna destroy our country, and we’re not gonna allow it. If you wanna drive an all-electric car for a half an hour before you have to go home and get it charged, then you should vote for Joe Biden. But it’s gonna be interesting to watch the two of them fight it out. I do believe that RFK Jr will do very well, and I do believe he’s going to take a lot of votes away from Crooked Joe Biden. Thank you very much.

To recap, his gist is, “RFK Jr. is a bigger radical leftist than practically anyone! As everyone knows, radical leftists are destroying this country! Vote for RFK Jr.!”

As a Democrat in good standing for the past three-plus decades, all I can say is, “Damn you, Trump! You fooled me again! I voted for RFK Jr. because he’s more radical left than Joe Biden, and now YOU’RE president. You, sir, truly are a stable genius.”

Meanwhile, in another video posted just four minutes after the RFK Jr. one, Trump once again claimed that President Joe Biden—who has absolutely zero to do with Trump’s looming Manhattan hush money trial—is using his administration’s Department of Justice to prosecute Trump. By the way, this is the same Trump who once said, before he accrued 91 felony charges of his own, that our government would be “crippled” if Hillary Clinton became president while under indictment. 

This video, like the RFK Jr. endorsement, seems to also be in direct response to stories about polling that indicates voters care about the hush money trial. 

I didn’t watch the video because I finally got the hellmouth in my basement grotto closed after feeding it Comet Ping Pong pizza for the past three days, but yes, there’s a transcript.

TRUMP: All these crooked cases are brought about by the Justice Department in one form or another and Crooked Joe Biden. He can’t put two sentences together. He can’t speak, he can’t think, he can’t walk, he can’t do anything, so the only thing they can do is go after his political opponent, a guy named Donald J. Trump. It’s really about election interference at its worst. This is usually used by Third World countries but never by the United States. So we’ve become a Third World country in many ways, whether it’s voting or borders or right now election interference. It’s a shame, it’s sad. But remember this, Nov. 5th is going to go down as the most important day in the history of our country. Get out and vote. And you’re going to have another group voting at levels that nobody’s ever seen before. I call it ‘Christian visibility.’ They’re going to be visible because they’re going to be at the polls. They’re going to vote like they’ve never voted before, because everything, including religion, is under siege, and we’re not going to let that happen. Thank you very much.

No, Donald. Thank YOU. That was really quite enlightening.

Let’s summarize Trump’s points again, if you don’t mind: 1) Biden, who is essentially catatonic, according to Trump, is nevertheless masterminding a complex—some would even say impossible—plot to prosecute his opponent in four separate criminal cases he has legal no control over. 2) We’re now a Third World country because we don’t allow wealthy and powerful people to run roughshod over our laws, and we seek to hold traitors who try to overthrow the government accountable. And last but not least, 3) all those Christians Trump just back-stabbed on abortion are going to come out even stronger for him this election cycle so he can back-stab them some more in his second term.

That all makes perfect sense. And, no, Donald—none of this makes you seem desperate at all. Please proceed.

There are more. Like the one where he insisted he’s not coming after the Affordable Care Act (probably because of all those stories that showcase his promises to do just that). Or the one where he said Democrats in Congress are following Biden’s orders (after months of headlines pointing out that the House and Speaker Mike Johnson are following Trump’s orders).

And he wasn’t done! Trump sent nearly 50 more “Truths” before dinnertime on Friday. He’s clearly Truth Social’s No. 1 Best Super Power User, but he wants to explain why to all the usual suckers on his social media platform.

In the end, for all those 25+ hours of desperate attempts to distract from abortion—which capped a week in which he went from “Abortion laws should be decided by individual states!” to “Arizona decided wrong!”—Trump ended up responding the only way he knows how: with a direct order to the Republicans he thinks are responsible for his very bad week.

We all know Trump loves to play “God Bless the USA” at his loser-palooza rallies, but after the week he’s had, perhaps he should consider this They Might Be Giants classic instead:

I don’t know about you, but that sure makes my heart sing.

Check out Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Campaign Action