Myth: Men Always Want Sex More — Fact: Desire Fluctuates for Everyone

The narrative that has been pushed by society for decades is that men are biologically wired to want, if not actively seek out, more sex than women. However, this cliched oversimplification doesn’t hold up to scrutiny. Even in relationships, sexual desire is a fluctuating dynamic, and it changes not only between people but also between a person’s desires over time. There are so many things that influence desire–from stress to hormonal shifts to life stages—and nothing exists in a vacuum, especially regarding desire.

The Origin of the “Men Want It More” Myth

Perhaps most famously, one of the primary libido myths that stick around and refuse to die is that men are always, or at least almost always, in the mood, but women aren't. And it lies rooted in outdated gender norms and media portrayals of men with insatiable sexual urgency and women with none at all. Although spouses may develop their relationship narratives, I believe that these narratives often, in one way or another, affect how spouses communicate or, more likely, don’t communicate about intimacy, which can result in the sin of confusion and unmet needs or the sin of shame.

What Science Says About Desire Fluctuations in All Genders

When we take the stereotypes away, we see the truth: desire fluctuations affect everyone. The changes of libido for both men and women depend on:

• Stress and fatigue
  
  

• Hormonal cycles (sorry men, you have hormonal shifts as well!)
  
  

• Physical health and medication
  
  

• Emotional connection with a partner
  
  

The realisation that our sexual desire is not fixed stabilises the experience and allows sex to be more tender when we're with someone. Libido isn’t a linear line — it ebbs and flows, and it is completely natural.

How Emotional Intimacy Influences Physical Connection

Too often, real desire transcends lust and is tied to intimacy and sex. In long term relationships nothing can be more powerful as an aphrodisiac than feeling emotionally connected. The more a partner feels seen, supported, and valued, then her or him more open to physical closeness. On the opposite side, emotional tension that hasn’t been solved can put the brakes on desire.

That is why if you are trying to optimise your physical intimacy for pleasure, managing to schedule one hour per week for deeper vulnerability, empathy, and quality time with your partner is better than three hours sharing a television. Desire follows emotional safety.

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Creating a Safe Space to Talk About Changing Desires

Communicating about sexual desire in relationships should not be judgmental. Here are a few routes couples can begin that conversation:

• Use “I” statements (“I’ve been feeling a little disconnected lately”) instead of blame.
  
  

• The ebb and flow is to be normalised, it’s not a failure, it’s human.
  
  

• Look into what intimacy beyond sex, touch, affection, and closeness is.
  
  

• Never just check in when it feels off; check in regularly; it’s more effective.

Small rituals such as having a cup of tea or sharing treats easily dawn in connection. For example, HaveZNZ Mood Chocolates are a delicious couple experience to revive and share a moment emotionally. The mood-enhancing chocolates are there that suit just right, in helping you reconnect during those lesser appreciated days. Sometimes it’s the super little things that cause us to have longer, more far-reaching conversations and deeper connections.

Conclusion

Sexual desire does not have gendered rules. The myth that men always want sex more than women is somehow unfair to both parties. That can change for everyone, which allows us to be compassionate, honest and more intimate with each other. A couple can only truly be close when they stop assuming things and talk openly about what they need, what their rhythms are, and what they’re feeling. Real connection, built upon empathy rather than pressured to fulfil a ‘masculine’ role of desire, is only created once we stop labelling desire as ‘masculine’ or ‘feminine.’ Desire has nothing to do with gender but everything to do with attunement, trust, and emotion in a shared path in relation.

Read More About: The Importance of Rituals in a Healthy Couple’s Life