Cheers and Jeers: Thursday

The B-List Here's the latest rundown of reasons for why that cargo ship knocked down the Key Bridge and brought shipping traffic to a halt in Baltimore, as compiled by the Republican party via Fox News, Truth Social, and sub-sub-sub-reddit chatrooms: Immigrants pouring in from Mexico … The woke shipping company … Mr. Potato Head … Pete Buttigieg … Immigrants pouring in from Canada ... Barack Obama pulling strings from inside the White House … The Barbie/Taylor Swift deep state … God’s vengeance for the existence of drag queens ... Ukraine … Vaccines … Antifa ... Cybercrime ... Windmills … Immigrants pouring in from Asia ... Gun laws … The kidnapping and incarceration of the January 6th hostages ... Hunter Biden's laptop … Books… The Jewish space laser … Liz Cheney … Rogue pronouns … Immigrants pouring in over top of the immigrants pouring in from Mexico … Inflation … Corporate diversity programs … Green M&Ms … Hillary Clinton … Round-earthers … This list will be updated later this morning as soon as their meds wear off. Or kick in. I forget which. Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, March 28, 2024 Note: C&J is moving!  Starting next week, we’ll be partying like it’s 2005 as we start posting again exclusively in the diaries. So watch for the C&J ducky logo on the “recent” list Monday thru Thursday mornings around 7:50 ET—and Friday evenings, as usual, at 7:20. Then hit the recommend button, the like button, the subscribe button, the unleash the kraken button, the release the hounds button, the coin return button, the panic button, and the I’ve fallen and I can’t get up button. Plus all the other buttons. Thank you.  —Mgt. - By the Numbers: 9 days!!! Days 'til Poetry Month: 4 Days 'til the Maryland Chicken Wing Festival in Crownsville: 9 Current death and injury toll from the attack at that Moscow concert: 140 / 180 Percent chance that Stormy Daniels trial judge Juan Merchan imposed a gag order on Trump to stop him from doxxing court staff/witnesses/family members and intimidating potential jurors: 100% Number of the last 14 White House press secretaries who have been hired by a TV network: 10 Minimum amount Waffle House takes from each workers’ pay for on-shift meals, whether they end up getting one or not: $3 Age of Diana Ross as of Tuesday: 80 - Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment: Accustomed as I am to listening to Texas legislators bloviate for hours on end, I found nothing odd in U.S. Rep. Tom DeLay's arguments against gun control. "Our school systems teach the children that they are nothing but glorified apes who are evolutionized out of some primordial soup of mud," said DeLay, in the course of explaining to us why 12 students and a teacher were shot to death by two other students in Littleton, Colo. Obviously, being taught that we are nothing but glorified apes who are evolutionized out of some primordial soup of mud is enough to drive anyone to violence; the mere thought makes you want to go out and shoot a dozen or so teenagers, doesn't it? But in the interests of fairness, I should point out that Tom DeLay himself is exceptionally good evidence for the theory that man is descended from monkeys. And damn recently, too. [...] DeLay blames all of this—the theory of evolution, birth control, small family size, day care, abortion and moral relativism—for the shootings in Littleton. He does not blame guns. He blames liberals. —June 1999 - Puppy Pic of the Day: Big cat… - CHEERS to good omens. The pundits and political consultants said it was a referendum on November. They said it was make or break for the Democrats. They said it was the ultimate proxy battle between Biden and Trump. And if Marilyn Lands didn't win Tuesday's special election for the state House in deep-red Alabama, it was over for American democracy and we'd all be forced to eat grits for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. But could she win by running on a platform of reproductive freedom? I'm on the edge of my seat… Democrat Marilyn Lands won a special election for an Alabama state House seat late Tuesday, flipping a Republican-held seat in the deep-red state in the aftermath of a court ruling in the state that threw access to fertility treatments into question. Even more amazing, Marilyn turned all the previously-red beams behind her blue using nothing but her mind.  Lands, a mental health counselor, made reproductive rights central to her campaign. She's spoken openly about her own abortion when her pregnancy was nonviable. And she ran advertisements on reproductive health care, like contraception and in vitro fertilization, being threatened in the state, after an Alabama Supreme Court ruling that equated frozen embryos to children and led major IVF providers in the state to pause fertility treatments. And now what are the pundits and political consultants saying? They'll let you know just as soon as they get done interviewing some more Trump supporters in Iowa diners. CHEERS to a ray of sunshine in

Cheers and Jeers: Thursday

The B-List

Here's the latest rundown of reasons for why that cargo ship knocked down the Key Bridge and brought shipping traffic to a halt in Baltimore, as compiled by the Republican party via Fox News, Truth Social, and sub-sub-sub-reddit chatrooms:

Immigrants pouring in from Mexico … The woke shipping company … Mr. Potato Head … Pete Buttigieg … Immigrants pouring in from Canada ... Barack Obama pulling strings from inside the White House … The Barbie/Taylor Swift deep state … God’s vengeance for the existence of drag queens ... Ukraine … Vaccines … Antifa ... Cybercrime ... Windmills … Immigrants pouring in from Asia ... Gun laws … The kidnapping and incarceration of the January 6th hostages ... Hunter Biden's laptop … Books… The Jewish space laser … Liz Cheney … Rogue pronouns … Immigrants pouring in over top of the immigrants pouring in from Mexico … Inflation … Corporate diversity programs … Green M&Ms … Hillary Clinton … Round-earthers …

This list will be updated later this morning as soon as their meds wear off. Or kick in. I forget which.

Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, March 28, 2024

Note: C&J is moving!  Starting next week, we’ll be partying like it’s 2005 as we start posting again exclusively in the diaries. So watch for the C&J ducky logo on the “recent” list Monday thru Thursday mornings around 7:50 ET—and Friday evenings, as usual, at 7:20. Then hit the recommend button, the like button, the subscribe button, the unleash the kraken button, the release the hounds button, the coin return button, the panic button, and the I’ve fallen and I can’t get up button. Plus all the other buttons. Thank you.  —Mgt.

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By the Numbers:

9 days!!!

Days 'til Poetry Month: 4

Days 'til the Maryland Chicken Wing Festival in Crownsville: 9

Current death and injury toll from the attack at that Moscow concert: 140 / 180

Percent chance that Stormy Daniels trial judge Juan Merchan imposed a gag order on Trump to stop him from doxxing court staff/witnesses/family members and intimidating potential jurors: 100%

Number of the last 14 White House press secretaries who have been hired by a TV network: 10

Minimum amount Waffle House takes from each workers’ pay for on-shift meals, whether they end up getting one or not: $3

Age of Diana Ross as of Tuesday: 80

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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:

Accustomed as I am to listening to Texas legislators bloviate for hours on end, I found nothing odd in U.S. Rep. Tom DeLay's arguments against gun control.

"Our school systems teach the children that they are nothing but glorified apes who are evolutionized out of some primordial soup of mud," said DeLay, in the course of explaining to us why 12 students and a teacher were shot to death by two other students in Littleton, Colo.

Obviously, being taught that we are nothing but glorified apes who are evolutionized out of some primordial soup of mud is enough to drive anyone to violence; the mere thought makes you want to go out and shoot a dozen or so teenagers, doesn't it? But in the interests of fairness, I should point out that Tom DeLay himself is exceptionally good evidence for the theory that man is descended from monkeys. And damn recently, too. [...]

DeLay blames all of this—the theory of evolution, birth control, small family size, day care, abortion and moral relativism—for the shootings in Littleton.

He does not blame guns. He blames liberals.

June 1999

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Puppy Pic of the Day: Big cat…

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CHEERS to good omens. The pundits and political consultants said it was a referendum on November. They said it was make or break for the Democrats. They said it was the ultimate proxy battle between Biden and Trump. And if Marilyn Lands didn't win Tuesday's special election for the state House in deep-red Alabama, it was over for American democracy and we'd all be forced to eat grits for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. But could she win by running on a platform of reproductive freedom? I'm on the edge of my seat…

Democrat Marilyn Lands won a special election for an Alabama state House seat late Tuesday, flipping a Republican-held seat in the deep-red state in the aftermath of a court ruling in the state that threw access to fertility treatments into question.

Even more amazing, Marilyn turned all the previously-red beams behind her blue using nothing but her mind. 

Lands, a mental health counselor, made reproductive rights central to her campaign. She's spoken openly about her own abortion when her pregnancy was nonviable. And she ran advertisements on reproductive health care, like contraception and in vitro fertilization, being threatened in the state, after an Alabama Supreme Court ruling that equated frozen embryos to children and led major IVF providers in the state to pause fertility treatments.

And now what are the pundits and political consultants saying? They'll let you know just as soon as they get done interviewing some more Trump supporters in Iowa diners.

CHEERS to a ray of sunshine in the Sunshine State. How sweet. Now that Governor Ron DeSantis has flamed out as a presidential contender, he has to go back to actually governing. Which means cleaning up a lot of the shit he broke over the past couple years, including his war on Disney. Apparently it's now kum ba yah time:

A Gov. Ron DeSantis-backed board and Disney settled lawsuits Wednesday over who controls the governing district of Disney World’s theme parks and resorts.

The Central Florida Tourism Oversight District’s board voted to accept the deal, which ends much of the litigation between Disney and Florida officials.

It’s win-win. Basically, Florida agrees to stop being dicks towards Disney, and Disney agrees to stop blasting It's A Small, Small, Small, Small World in the direction of Tallahassee.

CHEERS and JEERS to hippity-hoppin' on the People’s Lawn. It's the most Paaserrific time of the year—Easter! And the White House Easter Egg Roll is a go. This year the child who finds the golden egg on Monday wins the most coveted prize in all the land: a front-row seat at a their choice of Trump trial. (Remember kids: no biting, kicking, or stuffing other children into trash bins while trying to find it—and that goes for you, too, not just your parents.)

Right on schedule, the made-in-Maine souvenir wooden Easter Egg Roll eggs that I've collected since I was knee-high to a grasshopper are available at the White House Historical Association gift shop. But if you really want an amazing and unique memento that you'll pass down through the generations, you can take advantage of EXCLUSIVE CHEERS AND JEERS CUTTING EDGE TECHNOLOGY. Here's a pic of this year's eggs, complete with woozle Commander and pootie Willow:

Worthless on its own, yes. But when I label it a "Non Fungible Token" and you print it out for your very own? You got yourself a set of collector's eggs worth a cool $250,000 on the crypto market. And that's no yolk!  Thank you and good night!

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BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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beautiful combination???? pic.twitter.com/cwPpHldAFq— Oddly Satisfying (@O_Satisfying) March 24, 2024

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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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CHEERS to the United States Senate. Wow...they finally stood up and nailed the President for overstepping his authority, and he was pissed. Sure, the move is a symbolic "slap on the wrist," but he needed it.  So mark this date in your history books: March 28, 1834.  The day Andrew Jackson got his old hickory ass censured. We hope he learned his lesson and won’t do it again.

JEERS to Captain Big Mouth. Trump's trial related to the Stormy Daniels hush money payments gets under way next month. Being the scumbag that he is, Hair Fuhrer got the ball pre-rolling by harassing and doxxing everyone associated with the prosecution, the potential witness pool, and even the judge and his family. So you can probably guess what happened next…

A New York judge Tuesday issued a gag order barring Donald Trump from commenting publicly about witnesses, prosecutors, court staff and jurors in his upcoming hush-money criminal trial, citing the former president’s history of “threatening, inflammatory, denigrating” remarks about people involved in his legal cases.

Judge Juan M. Merchan’s decision, echoing a gag order in Trump’s Washington, D.C., election interference criminal case, came a day after he rejected the defense’s push to delay the Manhattan trial until summer and ordered it to begin April 15.

Sadly, the gag isn't the round rubber type that gets wedged in the mouth and kept in place with duct tape. At least not yet. There's still time.

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Ten years ago in C&J: March 28, 2014

CHEERS to today's boring correction.  The G-8 summit, which used to include Russia, has been changed.  The new name is the G-7 summit, and it no longer includes Russia.  Please update your Rolodexes accordingly.

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And just one more…

CHEERS to a moment of your patience, please. I normally don’t get technical in C&J, but there's a critical fiduciary development suggestive of market volatility that requires all of our attention. It involves a confluence of data from financial sectors related to the Case-Shiller House Price Index (HPI) and the Federal Housing Finance Agency (FHFA) adjusted for the SA, the pre-market data for Bloomberg futures via S&P adjustments for Q1, the WTI situation relative to international market fluctuations, T-Bill coordination among Fed banks and the Treasury, and debt service rations as reported to SAAR-affiliated oh fuck it I forgot where I was going with this so I'm going to punt and hope you don’t notice…

Thousands of pet lovers across the country have spoken and Louie the Raccoon is officially the winner of the sixth annual Cadbury Bunny Tryouts.

As the grand prize winner, Louie will not only have a starring role in the 2025 Cadbury Bunny Tryouts commercial but will also take home $7,000 in prize money.

Thank you for your attention in this matter.

Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial

"The Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool deserves better than a feeble, confused, and waterlogged Bill in Portland Maine.”

James Singer

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